Tag: Nextdoor

A Cautionary Tale in 605 Days

The First Month

Day 1

That’s it. I’m done with Nextdoor. They keep flagging my posts as spam because I link to articles on my own website. I write two or three articles a month, share each one exactly once, and somehow that’s excessive self-promotion. Then I complained about their moderation decisions and got suspended for being rude.

Fine. I’ll build my own neighborhood website. People can share their writing, promote their businesses, talk about local events, whatever. No ridiculous restrictions on posting links. Just a friendly place for neighbors to communicate.

I’ll call it Howdy Neighbor.

How hard can it be?

Day 7

Howdy Neighbor is live! Got the website running, a few dozen people have signed up, and the response has been encouraging. People are actually sharing their own websites without getting suspended. Imagine that!

I’m working on a mobile app. Apparently, people expect one of those.

Day 14

The app is live. Well, the first version, anyway. A few bugs, but nothing catastrophic. Membership is growing, and somebody suggested adding neighborhood-specific discussion groups.

Good idea. After all, it’s called Howdy Neighbor, not Howdy Everybody.

Day 21

Somebody tried hacking the website. Wonderful. Had to implement two-factor authentication, stronger password requirements, and a few other security measures.

Three people complained that logging in is now too complicated.

I explained that I’m trying to protect their accounts.

One guy said Nextdoor doesn’t make him do all this.

Oh, for crying out loud.

Day 28

Had to suspend somebody today. He posted something genuinely hateful, and I wasn’t about to let that stand. Three-day suspension. I explained the reason, cited the rules, and told him he’d be welcome back if he behaved himself.

I don’t like banning people, but there have to be some limits.

Day 31

He’s back. Posted the same garbage again.

Banned permanently.

I feel a little uncomfortable about it, but I can’t let one idiot ruin the place for everybody else.

The Second Month

Day 35

Somebody accused me of censorship. Apparently, removing threats and racial slurs means I don’t believe in free speech.

I explained that people are welcome to disagree with each other, but harassment and hate speech aren’t acceptable.

Now somebody wants me to define hate speech.

This is going to take longer than I thought.

Day 42

Oh my God. I had to close the comments on a perfectly innocent post today. Somebody posted a picture of some birds swimming in a pond and wrote, “Look at these pretty ducks!”

Within an hour, somebody replied that they weren’t ducks, they were Canada geese. Then somebody else insisted geese were wonderful because they sometimes stayed through winter, while ducks always flew south. Somebody corrected that statement, somebody complained that geese were aggressive, and somebody else accused humans of invading their habitat.

Then somebody accused the original poster of deliberately spreading misinformation about ducks.

The original poster hadn’t even replied to a single comment.

I closed the comments.

Day 43

Somebody started a new thread titled “Why Are We Being Silenced About Geese?”

I am beginning to question my decision to create a neighborhood website.

Day 47

Why is the system flagging posts about robins? They’re birds, for crying out loud!

Reviewed three appeals today. Approved two. The third was somebody discussing how to make a robin sandwich.

No. Absolutely not. Appeal denied.

Day 48

The robin sandwich guy appealed again. Now he claims he was talking about Red Robin, the restaurant. And something about pizza.

I went back and read his original post. Nothing about a restaurant. Nothing about pizza. He was talking about making a sandwich out of a robin.

You’re changing your story, buddy.

Banned.

Day 50

Somebody posted a menu from Red Robin. Apparently, they really do serve pizza. Huh. Didn’t know that.

But the original post was still about making bird sandwiches. The ban stands.

And another thing: robins aren’t even waterfowl! This whole ridiculous mess started with somebody confusing ducks and geese. How did we get from arguing about birds in a pond to somebody wanting to eat a robin?

Day 51

Somebody posted a picture of a blue jay.

I’m ignoring it.

Day 52

A chickadee? Seriously? Isn’t that a Midwestern bird? I had to look it up. And while I was at it, I started wondering how “chickadee” became a nickname for a woman. Or was the bird named after the nickname? Never mind.

We’re in the Pacific Northwest! What does some bird from the Midwest have to do with our neighborhood?

I’m beginning to think we need a rule requiring posts to be geographically relevant.

Day 53

Apparently, we have chickadees in Oregon. Fine. Whatever.

Somebody also informed me that Iowa’s state bird is the goldfinch, not the chickadee.

Now everybody’s talking about goldfinches.

Day 54

Somebody posted another photograph asking, “Does anybody know what kind of birds these are?”

Oh, here we go again.

The duck people started arguing with the goose people. Somebody linked to the original Day 42 discussion, which I’d closed for a reason. Then an actual ornithologist joined the conversation.

Cranes.

They were cranes. Very lost cranes, apparently.

Neither ducks nor geese.

I thought that would settle everything.

It didn’t.

Day 55

The duck people are accusing the ornithologist of being paid by the goose people.

Meanwhile, somebody accused me of hating Iowa because I said Iowa wasn’t relevant to a Pacific Northwest neighborhood discussion.

I DON’T HATE IOWA! It’s a perfectly fine state. It’s just not a neighbor of Oregon!

That’s geography, not discrimination!

Day 56

Some consultant contacted me today. Says Howdy Neighbor has enormous growth potential and we should consider expanding beyond Oregon. Apparently, all this attention from other states proves there’s a market.

He wanted to meet over video. Showed up using a bear filter. A bear wearing a gold watch, for some reason.

He says we should introduce regional communities across the United States, then expand internationally.

I reminded him I started this website because I was tired of Nextdoor.

He says we’re already attracting users from seventeen states and three countries.

How the hell did that happen?

Day 58

Somebody from Australia posted a picture of a kookaburra.

Oh, for God’s sake.

Things Are Getting Out of Hand

Day 63

The consultant was a bull today. Gold nose ring. He says our growth projections are excellent and we need to be aggressive.

He also says we should consider advertising.

I hadn’t really thought about making money from this thing. I just wanted somewhere people could talk without getting suspended for stupid reasons.

He says that’s admirable but not sustainable.

Maybe he’s right.

Day 67

What the hell is with everybody posting “6-7” everywhere? I looked it up. Apparently, it doesn’t actually mean anything. It’s just something kids say.

Fine. Whatever. At least they’re not threatening anybody.

I’m not going to start banning people for being annoying. That’s exactly the kind of thing Nextdoor would do.

Although if one more person posts “6-7”…

Day 72

The consultant was a fox today. Little gold chain around his neck. He wants to introduce automated moderation because we’re getting too many reports for me to review personally. “Your time is too valuable for every little thing. Trust me. I’m a genius that will make you look like a genius!”

I don’t like the idea of a computer deciding what people can say, but I’m spending most of my evenings reviewing complaints.

He says the software will only flag questionable posts. I’ll still have the final say.

That sounds reasonable. And genius?

Day 75

Why are people posting pictures of what looks like somebody giving a Nazi salute? Seriously? We have actual Nazi sympathizers on the platform now?

Removed the posts. Suspended the accounts.

Somebody accused me of suppressing political opinions.

No. I’m not providing a platform for Nazi propaganda. That’s not what Howdy Neighbor is about.

Day 85

How the heck did somebody create an emoji that looks like a white pointed hood with eye holes? Who authorized that? Isn’t there some kind of emoji police?

Apparently, it’s not an official emoji. Somebody uploaded a custom image.

Wonderful. Now I have to moderate pictures of hats.

Day 89

Howdy Neighbor is officially operating in Australia and New Zealand.

Somebody from New Zealand posted a picture of a kiwi.

A kiwi.

That’s a bird? I thought it was a fruit!

Apparently, it’s also what New Zealanders call themselves. So now we’ve got a fruit, a bird, and an entire country’s population sharing the same name.

The consultant joined our meeting as a kiwi, too. Very thematic. Why is its beak gold?

I need an aspirin.

Day 90

Somebody from Australia posted a picture of an emu. Apparently, Australia once fought a war against those things.

I’m not even going to look that up.

Day 91

I looked it up.

They lost.

I need another aspirin.

Day 94

The automated moderation system flagged a joke today. Somebody posted, “Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine.”

Apparently, the software saw 6, 7, 8, and 9 and decided somebody was causing trouble.

Appeal approved. Obviously.

And hey, maybe that’s what 6-7 means? Generation Alpha thinks 6 is braver than that joke implies, so they’re pairing 6 and 7 up as buddies.

I’m beginning to think the moderation software is an idiot. And I’m a genius, for sure.

Day 95

Somebody complained that I’m not enforcing the rules consistently because another user got suspended for posting “6-7.”

I explained that context matters.

Somebody asked why Nextdoor doesn’t understand context either.

I suspended him for three days.

We don’t discuss moderation decisions in the public feed.

Wait a minute.

Day 97

The consultant approached me with another idea. Business accounts. Local businesses could pay to promote themselves, post links to their websites, and advertise to their neighbors.

I never really thought about making money from Howdy Neighbor, but considering how much time I spend dealing with everybody’s complaints, I suppose I deserve to get paid.

Why not? Let’s introduce business accounts.

The consultant was a shark today. Gold teeth.

I’m not sure I appreciate the symbolism.

Day 101

The consultant says only business accounts should be allowed to post links to their own websites. Otherwise, why would anybody pay for a business account?

Makes sense, I guess.

Unfortunately, the automated moderation system is flagging people left and right. Somebody posted, “Oh, look at these pretty ducks!” with a link to their vacation photos, and the system suspended them for unauthorized business promotion.

I don’t know why it did that. Ducks aren’t a business.

Day 102

The Audubon Society opened a business account today. Apparently, all the arguments about ducks, geese, cranes, robins, chickadees, goldfinches, kiwis, and emus have attracted the attention of actual bird enthusiasts.

They’re offering educational programs, bird-watching excursions, and information about local wildlife.

The consultant is ecstatic. He says we’ve accidentally cornered the online bird-watching market.

He’s an owl today. Gold-rimmed spectacles. At least he’s finally using an appropriate bird.

Day 103

Audubon wants to sponsor a weekly bird identification contest.

The consultant says it’s an excellent revenue opportunity.

I said absolutely not.

Day 104

We’re launching Bird-watching Wednesdays.

I hate my life. On the other hand, I bought a new car today. A pretty nice one, actually. Advertising revenue is exceeding projections, and apparently, I can afford things I couldn’t before.

So now I’m making money from the very people who are driving me insane.

I hate my life. I love my car. I’m pretty sure that’s the definition of conflicted.

Becoming the Enemy

Day 105

The consultant suggested gold accents for my new car. Gold wheels, gold trim, maybe even a gold hood ornament.

Gold? Seriously? That seems a little excessive.

He says it’s important for a successful businessman to project success.

I told him I wasn’t interested in making my car look like a rolling jewelry store.

He was a golden retriever today, wearing sunglasses and a gold collar.

Come to think of it, I’ve never actually seen this guy’s face. Every meeting he uses a different animal filter.

I asked him to turn it off.

He said, “Believe me, you don’t want that.”

What the hell does that mean?

Day 111

Had to ban another guy for posting Nazi propaganda. No question about it. Swastikas, racial slurs, the whole disgusting package. I don’t want that garbage on Howdy Neighbor, and I don’t think anybody should have to put up with it.

But then somebody asked why I banned him. I explained the situation, and they wanted to know exactly which rule he’d broken. So I showed them.

Then they wanted to know who gave me the authority to decide what constituted hate speech.

Well, it’s my website. I did.

I don’t particularly like how that sounded.

Day 114

Somebody accused me of being a fascist because I removed a post defending the guy I banned on Day 111.

That’s ridiculous. I’m trying to keep fascists OFF the website!

The problem is that his post didn’t actually contain any hate speech. He was arguing that I shouldn’t have banned the other guy.

So technically, I banned somebody for disagreeing with my decision to ban somebody.

Oh, hell.

Day 115

The consultant was a bonobo today. Gold necklaces, bracelets, rings, even a gold watch. On an ape. He looked like he’d robbed a jewelry store.

I asked if the filter was supposed to be some kind of joke.

He said it’s important to project success.

I reminded him that nobody can actually see what he looks like.

He said that was the point.

I’m beginning to suspect this guy has some issues.

Day 117

Had another meeting with the consultant. He’s a German shepherd this time. Why does he have a gold collar? Given the subject matter, I wish he’d chosen literally any other animal.

I explained that I’m starting to feel like the people I’m trying to keep off the platform. I’m making rules, deciding who’s allowed to speak, punishing people for questioning authority. Isn’t that exactly what I started Howdy Neighbor to get away from?

He says I’m confusing censorship with responsible platform management.

He also suggested disabling public discussions of moderation decisions.

I told him that’s exactly what Nextdoor does!

He says there’s a reason for that.

Oh my God. There’s a real reason they do that?

Day 119

I’ve been thinking about this all night. I don’t want Nazis on my website. I don’t want racists, bullies, or people threatening their neighbors. I don’t think anybody reasonable would disagree with that.

But I’ve started banning people for defending people I’ve banned. Then banning people for complaining about those bans. And now I’m considering a rule that says nobody can discuss bans at all.

At what point did protecting free speech turn into protecting myself from criticism?

I need to rethink some things.

Tomorrow. I’m exhausted.

Day 120

That’s it. I’m implementing an automatic flag on all ornithological discussions.

I’m not banning birds. I’m just tired of arguing about them.

This is completely different.

Day 121

Somebody posted a picture of a chicken sandwich. The system flagged it.

Day 122

The consultant says we should offer premium accounts that allow unrestricted bird discussions.

I’m considering it.

Day 125

Audubon is complaining about the bird filter. Apparently, their business account is getting flagged for discussing birds.

I explained that the filter applies to everybody.

The consultant says paying business accounts should be exempt.

Oh, wonderful. Now birds have subscription tiers.

Day 130

Somebody accused me of turning Howdy Neighbor into Nextdoor.

I explained that we’re completely different. We have business accounts, automated moderation, community guidelines, an appeals process, and restrictions on discussing moderation decisions.

They pointed out that Nextdoor has all those things.

I told them they were missing the point.

I’m beginning to think I might be missing the point.

Day 143

Had another meeting with the consultant today. I swear, this guy must think he’s King Midas or something.

He’s a golden retriever this time.

No, not a normal golden retriever. A golden retriever MADE OF GOLD. The entire dog. Solid, shiny, metallic gold. Even his teeth are gold.

And he’s wearing a gold collar. Because apparently being made entirely of gold isn’t enough.

I pointed out that he looked like a lawn ornament belonging to a billionaire with terrible taste.

“What are you talking about? This is great taste! The greatest taste in the world! I’m a genius!”

I stared at the solid-gold golden retriever on my screen.

“You’re a dog.”

“The most successful dog in the world! Even my shit is golden!”

I’m not even going to ask how that works.

Then he suggested another round of investment.

I asked why we needed more investors when we’re already making money.

He said, “You have to spend money to make money.”

I’m beginning to suspect this guy only knows about six sentences.

The End of It All

Day 150

That’s it. I’m done. I can’t take this anymore. The complaints, the appeals, the birds, the endless arguments about what constitutes a neighborhood. I started Howdy Neighbor because I was tired of Nextdoor telling people what they could and couldn’t post. Now I’m spending twelve hours a day doing exactly that.

I told the consultant I’m shutting the whole thing down.

He’s a black panther today. Very sleek. One enormous gold collar. Surprisingly understated, considering his recent appearances.

He says I can’t shut it down.

Excuse me? It’s MY website!

Apparently, we have investors.

WE HAVE WHAT?

He says the expansion into Australia and New Zealand required outside capital, and we’ve accepted several rounds of investment.

When the hell did that happen?

He reminded me about some documents I electronically signed around Day 90.

I thought those were advertising agreements!

He says I should have read them.

I hate it when he’s right.

Day 151

Good news: the investors don’t actually control Howdy Neighbor. I still own the majority.

Bad news: they have a substantial financial stake, and apparently, I can’t simply shut everything down without dealing with them.

The consultant says I can buy out the investors or sell my stake to somebody else. He says there’s an outside investor interested in buying the company.

Then he adds, “Of course, I could just buy you out myself. $100,000. Cash. You walk away, no headaches, no problems. Tremendous deal.”

A hundred thousand dollars? For something I started five months ago because I was pissed off at Nextdoor?

That’s actually tempting.

But apparently, the outside investor is the Audubon Society.

Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me.

They want me to lift the ban on ornithological discussions before they’ll proceed.

Of course they do.

Day 152

I thought about that $100,000 offer all night. A hundred thousand dollars to walk away from this whole mess. No more complaints, no more appeals, no more arguing about birds. I could take the money, enjoy my new car, and never think about Howdy Neighbor again.

Tempting. Very tempting.

But something about how quickly the consultant offered me that money bothers me. If he’s willing to pay that much without even negotiating, maybe I shouldn’t be in such a hurry to sell.

Decided to remove the bird ban today instead.

The system immediately released hundreds of pending posts, including pictures of ducks, arguments about geese, and somebody asking whether penguins have knees.

The consultant says Audubon is delighted.

He’s a vulture today. Gold-tipped beak.

I don’t think that’s a coincidence.

Day 165

I finally got around to reviewing the financial records. I’ve been trying to figure out exactly how much I’d have to pay these “investors” if I wanted to walk away.

Something wasn’t adding up. Every investment seemed to come through a different company, but they all had remarkably similar paperwork.

So I called the accountant.

Turns out all those “investors” are actually the consultant.

THE CONSULTANT!

Different companies, different investment funds, different names. Same guy. The idiot who’s been attending our meetings disguised as a gold-plated zoo!

Apparently, he’s been financing our expansion through companies he owns. And if I want to walk away, I’d have to buy out his entire investment.

I asked the accountant how much that would cost.

He told me.

I asked him to repeat it.

He did.

“Please tell me that’s Canadian dollars.”

He hung up.

I’ve got to figure something out.

Day 170

Audubon wants Howdy Neighbor. All of it. The website, the app, the international communities, the business accounts, everything.

Fine by me.

I’ve spent the last five days trying to figure out how to get out from under the consultant’s investments, and I finally realized something. Why am I trying to buy him out? Why not sell my own stake and let somebody else deal with him?

I called the consultant to tell him.

He’s a goldfish today. An actual goldfish swimming around in a virtual aquarium filled with gold coins.

“I’m selling my stake to Audubon.”

“Terrible deal! Very bad deal! Nobody makes deals like me!”

“Well, congratulations. You get to negotiate with them now.”

“They don’t understand business! They understand birds!”

“Then you should get along beautifully. You’ve spent the last six months pretending to be one.”

I hung up.

For the first time in months, I feel wonderful.

Day 176

Audubon almost backed out of the deal today.

Apparently, they finally had a meeting with the consultant. I wasn’t there, thank God. But according to their attorney, he spent most of the meeting explaining how valuable his investment in Howdy Neighbor had become.

He apparently thinks his stake is worth an astronomical amount of money. He kept throwing around numbers that made absolutely no sense.

Audubon was ready to walk.

Then their accountant did something interesting. He took the consultant’s valuation, applied it to my majority ownership, and calculated what my stake would be worth.

Over a million dollars.

A MILLION DOLLARS.

Wait a minute. They’re about to abandon the whole deal because the consultant wants too much money. But I don’t need everything he thinks this company is worth. I just want out.

So I called Audubon’s attorney.

“Tell you what. I’ll sell my controlling interest for exactly one million dollars. You can keep the change.”

There was a long silence.

“Are you serious?”

“Absolutely. One million, and the consultant becomes your problem.”

He said he’d have to get approval.

Twenty minutes later, he called back.

We have a deal.

A MILLION DOLLARS!

I started this whole thing because I was annoyed with Nextdoor. I wanted a place where people could share their own websites without getting suspended for spam. Then came the ducks, the geese, the Nazis, the robin sandwiches, the international expansion, and a business consultant who thinks he’s King Midas.

I’m not a fascist. I’m obviously a capitalist!

A MILLION DOLLARS! HELL YEAH!

I’m going to celebrate. Maybe buy myself some really luxurious pillows. The expensive kind, stuffed with genuine goose down.

Oh, damn it.

Down.

Geese.

I CAN’T EVEN BUY PILLOWS WITHOUT THESE GODDAMN BIRDS!

Anyway, I’m selling.

Day 180

Signed the paperwork. Audubon now owns my stake in Howdy Neighbor. The consultant can negotiate with them about his investments, and I never have to attend another meeting with a gold-plated animal.

I’m free.

The consultant sent me a message congratulating me on a tremendous deal. He says we should work together again sometime.

Blocked.

I think I’ll take a vacation. Somewhere without birds.

Is the Moon accepting tourists yet?

Day 605

Howdy Neighbor is officially dead.

Audubon folded the entire platform into its existing forums, discontinued general neighborhood discussions, and announced that all future content would focus exclusively on birds and conservation.

Apparently, the investors aren’t happy. Neither are the former users. There are lawsuits everywhere. Somebody is suing over the loss of their business account. Somebody else claims their freedom of speech was violated. The original robin sandwich guy is apparently suing everybody.

I got a letter from an attorney asking whether I’d be willing to testify about the company’s early moderation policies.

I threw it in a drawer.

The consultant tried contacting me yesterday. His profile picture is a bald eagle. Solid gold, naturally.

Blocked.

I started this whole thing because Nextdoor wouldn’t let me share a link to my own website. Somehow, I ended up founding an international social network, fighting with birdwatchers, banning half the animal kingdom, and selling the company to an organization devoted to the very subject I’d prohibited.

I don’t know what happened to the investors, or if there were any other investors besides the consultant. I don’t know who’s going to win the lawsuits. I don’t even know whether those original birds were ducks, geese, or cranes.

I don’t care anymore.

I still have my car.

…and a doctorate in ornithology.