Tag: EoS

  • The Feedback That Had Nowhere to Go

    So, I’m a fairly lonely guy. Not only is it rather difficult to make friends as an adult, and moving as I have done makes it hard to maintain established friendships. I also just feel that with how much of a struggle my life has been, I don’t want to inflict that life on a pet, a roommate or a live-in of any type. Once my life is stable, then I’ll worry about sharing, I guess. That is the ongoing philosophy, anyway. Sure, it’s not perfect, but it’s better than falling into a deep depression. This I can attest to from having lived through it before.

    Anyway, the tools I use to maintain my life in those in-between times when I’m not working, sleeping or eating are many and varied, and one of them is listening to podcasts, like so many. And in tandem with my other task of watching TV shows, movies and that sort of thing, the podcasts I most subscribe to are rewatch podcasts. Some of my favorites include Fake Doctors, Real Friends, in which Zach Braff and Donald Faison watch the show they were in together, Scrubs, and talk it through. Now on hiatus, as Scrubs is coming back in February 2026, due in part because of the podcast popularity. Another is Buffering the Vampire Slayer. Hosted by Kristin Russo and Jenny Owen Youngs, as they went through all of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, spoiler-free, and are going through it again, spoiler-full. Those two ladies have had, and do have, many other podcast projects. And I have listened to a great many of them. Then companion podcast Angel on Top, rewatching Angel along with Buffy, hosted by others though produced by Kristin and Jenny, and they appeared on it occasionally. They have the Doomcoming podcast, rewatching Yellowjackets, (I don’t listen to this one, I’m so not into ritual cannibalism drama, blergh) they have Okey-Dokey, which rewatches Fallout, and the eX-Files, which details The X-Files (they are eX-wives of each other. So the on-branding is totally conscious) I listen to all of those, and rewatch each attendant episode of whatever show it is detailing.

    So, I’ve watched BtVS all the way through, with them, once, and I’m going through it again. Angel, Fallout, and two seasons of The X-Files. A few books and movies as well. They have formed a very good community around them, and I feel blessed to be part of it. While I can’t get into Yellowjackets just for them, I like watching other things with them, adding to their Discord discussions, and interacting in other ways they make available. And I enjoy listening to them as I totally get their friendship, and I feel somewhat part of that when they do speak with each other.

    I’m totally aware of the difference between a fan and a friend. But there is value in being a fan of a friendship. And it’s a nuanced friendship. And one I’m not just 100% approving of, just like with a live friendship where you don’t like your besties’ laugh, but everything else is great. No need to dive into that nuance. That’s not what I’m writing about here.

    K&J have two feeds. They have had more, one for each podcast, once, but have consolidated to two of them, well three, but I’ll get into that in a minute. They have the main Buffering the Vampire feed, and now a Beyond Buffering feed which has all the ancillary podcasts. (Except Angel on Top, I think that is still dedicated.) The other exception is their Patreon ad-free version of the main feed.

    In the Beyond Buffering feed you have Doomcoming, the eX-Files, Okey Dokey, and The Boiler Room. Now, as I said, I’m not into Yellowjackets, not even a little. (Despite how I like hearing the friends talk about stuff, I’m just not watching that show, and I can’t listen to them speak without watching, that would be yet another form of odd) I have enjoyed the eX-Files, and am happy that is finally returning soon, listened to Doomcoming as it was live, and will probably listen again, when it does return, but that is in the air, as they are life-busy with kids and mental health maintenance, rather than ramping up production for Fallout. But I give them a break, everyone puts more on their plate than they can reasonably eat, don’t they? The other one on that feed, The Boiler Room, is one I gave a shot.

    It’s a rewatch podcast for a show called My So-Called Life. It’s a show from 1994-1995, that ran for an odd number of episodes: 19. Not just 13, not a full 22 or 24, just 19. That’s just symbolic of its oddness, though.

    It starred a very young Claire Danes, Wilson Cruz, Bess Armstrong, Devon Gummersall, A.J. Langer, Jared Leto, Devon Odessa, Lisa Wilholt, and Tom Irwin.

    Claire plays Angela Chase, a 15-year-old girl exploring her independence, love, and finding herself through a typical year as a sophomore in high school. The show starts with her dyeing her hair a very bright red, shocking her family and friends, and dumping a friend she had since she was a young child for a new friend, Rayanne Graff, and Rickie Vasquez, a gender non-conforming youth, (one of the first played on TV, and definitely the first played by a genuinely gender non-conforming actor on TV, Wilson Cruz).

    Now, one of the hallmarks of the Buffering leaders is that they are very queer-forward, more than JUST LGBTQIA allies, they lead the way, very stridently. Their work is very queer-forward, and that perspective is part of why the community around them feels thoughtful and intentional.

    So, My So-Called Life was a seminal show for Kristin (which, if you come to know her, she has a serious blind spot for a lot of pop culture. This one did not pass her by, though, as she watched it live, when it came out. She was of a similar age as Angela, so identified strongly with the show. The cohost for this is Joanna Robinson, and she also grew up watching the show. (They initially recorded the podcast in 1999-2000, and ended it just before the COVID lockdown, so, when I listened to the later episodes, I was genuinely listening for topical stuff about it, but they finished before March, so it’s free of that.) In the Beyond Buffering feed, the episodes have an intro segment of Jenny and Kristin talking about the episodes of the show, and the podcast episodes, adding additional commentary and context. Those additions were added in 2024, I believe, and add a nice bit of difference.

    So, giving this show a shot, I watched it. In the podcast they talk about how Hulu lost the license, and Amazon Prime picked it up amidst the podcast series. I didn’t worry about that, I simply bought the series on Vudu. (Yes, I know it’s Fandango at Home, so what?) It was on sale, so why not?

    Let me start by stating a fact, I did not see this show as it aired. In 1994, I was attempting college, my mom had moved in with me, and we had one TV, and no VCR. (My later obsession with TiVo and such was not in play.) So, I wasn’t even aware it was on TV at the time. And barely knew of its existence later, maybe from a TV Guide listing about Homeland “…starring Claire Danes, known for My So-Called life….” That sort of thing. Even if I had watched it, there is very little chance I would have watched more than one episode before saying “not for me”. Even now, I can state quite confidently that I identify with none of the characters. My family was so much more dysfunctional than the Chase family, that a sister dyeing her hair red would be the most normal thing to do in the world, and not even worth a comment. Though I grew up in Wyoming, and seeing a gay character in real life was not in my experience, I went to college for a Musical Theater degree, and I saw plenty then, and had no problems with anyone. (It was Theater and journalism at the college I was in during this show’s run, but the point is the same). I don’t have a younger sibling as I was the youngest, but if I’d acted like Danielle, I would have been beaten up by my older brother, and my sister would be happily making fun of me while he did it. Frankly. I have no problem with most of the characters, but I do not identify with any of them.

    But, The Boiler Room was in the feed, and that was enough of a connection to watch the show. But, it’s not like a live show, I can’t send in feedback and expect a response. But then I thought, I could write up my feedback here, and if they see it, fine, if you see it, great. It gets out of my head in a constructive way, and that’s a good result.

    So, what to say, broadly speaking. They love Rayanne. I cannot stand her. From the minute I saw her, I recognized her as an agent of chaos, and I knew girls like her, back in high school. I even had a crush on one or two of them. But you can only count on them to break your heart, and that’s it. They drink or toke too much, have an unstable life that wants to latch on any source of stability for their own reasons, get bored with that stability and sabotage it. That’s just who Rayanne was, and I knew who she was, how the writers would treat her character, and beat-for-beat it proved true. The penultimate episode it looked like they’d reconcile, but as the show ended, I chose to think Angela finally understood Rayanne enough to cut her loose for good. That final speech at the end of that episode had Angela knowing Rayanne was holding the handcuff key, and demanded she return it, which was done. In my head, I wrote that Angela said, after that return, “I knew you still had it, as I do know you, Rayanne. You didn’t make a mistake with Jordan, you blew us up in the best way to make TNT as effective and an atomic bomb. It was intentional. No, we’re not reconciled, we’re done. I’m not waiting around for you to go Hydrogen bomb on us.” And then close the door on her.

    Jordan, sheesh, even ignoring the Jared Leto of it all, there’s no future with this guy. In episode 1 it was stated he was held back, twice. That makes him a 17-year old sophomore. Yes, he has dyslexia in a period that didn’t have a lot of support for that condition. But the next year, he’d be 18. He would no longer be beholden to truancy laws, and dollars to doughnuts he’d drop out of school the next year. Maybe get a job in a garage, and move out on his own. Plus, he’d now be 18 and Angela 16, and most states would call that, at least, very questionable. So there is no question ABC Standards and Practices would have addressed that.

    So it’s a very good thing that show didn’t last another year, really. There has been talk of what a season two would have looked like, Patty and Graham splitting up, even for a minute, much less a divorce, would hurt the show. Brian and Delia getting back together, that I could get behind. But those are two very ancillary characters, it wouldn’t have saved the show. No, I’m happy with this perfect little, if odd, single season.

    Brian Krakow, this guy I can understand. The hosts were pretty down on him as being so inappropriate at times. He was too smart to be so stupid, and pervy, besides. This I can say, having been a very smart/stupid teenage boy and feel I can understand him better than two women, even if one of them is queer, but that fact is not enough to understand the teen-boy thinking. We were pervy, immature, and had the emotional maturity of your average houseplant. Put another way, we were more curious than our limited maturity could filter. We were awkward, never knew when a girl liked us, believed other guys when they told us one did, with hope in our hearts, only to find out it was a prank. We were suckers for girls, or guys, that had anything good for us. But it just messed us up. That’s a teen guy. So, I got Brian, and forgive his issues, I know he’ll get over them, later than you might want, but he will. I do not identify with him, as he was wealthy and handsome, but I get him.

    Patty and Graham, they had a spectacular marriage. She owned and ran a printing company, and let Graham pursue his passion. He loved her, and they had more sex than any married couple on TV. If they had broken up, because of the Hallie, the investor-restaurant angle, I would have stopped believing in the show. I would have decided the writers were chasing controversy, and not stories that matter, and would have simply forgotten the show existed.

    So, again, I’m happy the show lasted for exactly as long as it did, the last episode ended very oddly, like they weren’t sure it was even worth coming back. It was both abrupt, and unresolved. Angela now knew Brian wrote Jordan’s apology letter. And still got in Jordan’s car, conflicted or not. Patty now knew Hallie had broken up with Chad, and Graham said he just forgot to mention it. I refuse to believe he would fall for Hallie, he was firmly in love with Patty. He was stupid, and almost cheated in early episodes, but called it off without needing to be prompted. If Hallie came on even stronger, I’m sure he’d do the right thing, even if it meant not opening the restaurant.

    Now, Mr. Katimsky, played by the great and wonderful Jeff Perry, I could see story for him, moving forward. The hosts of the podcast could not remember if MrK had been fired for being gay, and that was unresolved at the end of the season, so, as it stands, he was not. But, in season 2, they could have that story, him being fired, lawsuits, student protests, and all that. But frankly, placing it in Pittsburgh in 1995, that would be very unbelievable. He’d be fired, and all reference to him swept under the rug. Nowadays, it’s better somewhat, but still not fair. Being fired for “moral turpitude” was very much a thing, back then. Back in Wyoming, we had a teacher simply vanish after an affair was discovered. And that was man-woman, I can’t imagine what it would have been if it were a gay discovery. (Wait, I can imagine, but we’re back to hydrogen bombs making the entire school vanish.)

    That is the feedback I might have sent, were I listening/watching back then. I thank them for welcoming me to their community, and even though I resist Yellowjackets I still feel included. I appreciate learning about My So-Called Life, especially in this way. I gained context I never would have understood without the commentary provided by Kristin and Joanna, and Jenny as well. I feel like that I watched a show so far out of my previous experience that it feels like a rare flower bloomed in my unattended garden. I learned things, despite myself, and am happy to have done so. It may be unlikely I’ll ever watch My So-Called Life again, it does reside in my personal library, so it’s not completely out of the question.

    If you want to fall down the same rabbit holes I have, here’s where it starts:

    Buffering the Vampire Slayer — Main Feed

    This podcast features Kristin Russo and Jenny Owen Youngs revisiting Buffy the Vampire Slayer, providing insights, commentary, and nostalgic reflections on the series.
    Listen here

    Beyond Buffering — Ancillary Shows Feed

    An extension of the main podcast, this feed includes various side projects such as:

    • The Boiler Room: Focused on My So-Called Life
    • The eX-Files: Rewatching The X-Files
    • Okey-Dokey: Covering Fallout
    • Doomcoming: Dedicated to Yellowjackets
      Additional episodes and special content are also available.
      Listen here

    Buffering on Patreon — Ad-Free and Bonus Content

    Support the creators directly through their Patreon page, which offers ad-free episodes and exclusive bonus material.
    Visit here

    Fake Doctors, Real Friends — Rewatch Feed
    Zach Braff and Donald Faison revisit Scrubs, episode by episode, with behind-the-scenes stories and guest appearances.

    Visit here

  • Regrets, I have a few…

    Written years ago. Revisited, not rewritten.

    One of the most amazingly ironic things about life is that most people do not realize that they are living it until it is too late.

    This is a particularly difficult thing to deal with when you are a person that actually has real regrets. Most people, when asked if they have regrets, will say “No, regrets are pointless. You can’t change the past.” And, while that is a statement that may be true, it is also a statement that is commonly used as a way to avoid admitting regret, which is, in turn, often a way to avoid admitting pain.

    And pain is one of the most amazing motivators. Pain is one of the strongest forces in the universe. Pain makes you get away from what you were doing. Pain makes you get away from what you were thinking. Pain makes you get away from what you were. Pain makes you change.

    But pain also makes you hide.

    And regret is pain with teeth.

    Regret is not “I wish I could have done better.”
    Regret is not “If only I had another chance.”
    Regret is not “I would do it differently now.”

    Regret is “I knew better, and I did it anyway.”
    Regret is “I had the chance, and I wasted it.”
    Regret is “I hurt someone, and I can’t undo it.”
    Regret is “I betrayed myself.”

    Regret is a thing that you carry, and it doesn’t get lighter. It gets heavier. Because time doesn’t heal regret. Time sharpens it.

    Time makes you understand what you lost.
    Time makes you understand what you did.
    Time makes you understand what you were too blind to see in the moment.
    Time makes you understand the cost.

    The most cruel part of regret is that it often comes from being a person who is trying to survive. You are not always a monster. You are not always malicious. Sometimes you are just… young. Sometimes you are just… scared. Sometimes you are just… stupid. Sometimes you are just… damaged.

    And you do what young or stupid or damaged people do.

    You lash out.
    You withdraw.
    You numb.
    You use.
    You take.
    You run.

    And later you look back, and you see the trail behind you.

    And it’s not a trail of “mistakes.”

    It’s a trail of broken things.
    Broken people.
    Broken trust.
    Broken time.

    And the thing about time is that you can’t glue it back together.

    You can’t rebuild an hour.
    You can’t “make up” for a year.
    You can’t go back and do it right.

    All you can do is live with the knowledge that you did it wrong.

    You can tell yourself a lot of stories about why that doesn’t matter. You can tell yourself you were doing the best you could. You can tell yourself you didn’t know. You can tell yourself you were a victim too. You can tell yourself that everyone does bad things. You can tell yourself that it’s all in the past.

    And all of that may be true.

    But it doesn’t unbreak what you broke.
    It doesn’t unhurt who you hurt.
    It doesn’t unburn the bridges you burned.
    It doesn’t restore the moments you wasted, or the chances you ignored, or the love you didn’t recognize until it was gone.
    It doesn’t rewind the tape.

    And the hardest part is that regret is often private. The people you regret hurting may not even know you regret it. They may not even know you remember it. They may have moved on, or they may still be hurt, or they may not care.

    But you care.

    And you carry it.

    And you can’t always talk about it, because talking about regret is admitting fault.

    Talking about regret is admitting you were wrong.

    Talking about regret is admitting you were a problem.

    And for a lot of people, that is intolerable.

    So they say they have no regrets.
    They say they wouldn’t change a thing.
    They say the past made them who they are.

    And maybe it did.

    But I don’t believe that means you have to love the damage.
    I don’t believe that means you have to romanticize your mistakes.
    I don’t believe that means you have to pretend you’re proud of what you’re ashamed of.
    I don’t believe that means you have to deny regret.

    Because regret is a signal.

    Regret is the mind’s way of saying: “That mattered.”
    Regret is the soul’s way of saying: “That was wrong.”
    Regret is the heart’s way of saying: “You lost something you can’t replace.”

    And if you have regret, it means you are not dead inside.

    It means you have a conscience.
    It means you have awareness.
    It means you have the capacity to see yourself clearly, and that is rare.

    It hurts, but it is also valuable.

    Because regret can become a teacher.
    Regret can become a warning sign.
    Regret can become a boundary.
    Regret can become a reason to do better.

    Not because you can fix the past.
    But because you can stop repeating it.

    And that is the only redemption regret can offer.

    Not erasing what you did.
    But ensuring it doesn’t happen again.

    And some days, that feels like enough.
    And some days, it doesn’t.

    Some days, you wake up and the regret is sitting on your chest like a weight.
    Some days, you remember things you wish you could forget.
    Some days, you think about people you wish you could apologize to, but you can’t.

    Because it’s too late.
    Because you don’t know where they are.
    Because you would only be reopening wounds.
    Because you don’t deserve to be forgiven.
    Because forgiveness isn’t yours to ask for.

    Some days, regret is a quiet ache.
    Some days, it’s a scream.

    And sometimes, you can distract yourself.
    Work.
    Music.
    Movies.
    People.
    Noise.
    Anything.

    But regret is patient.

    It waits until you are alone.

    And then it says: “Remember?”

    And you do.

    So yes.

    I have regrets.

    I have a few.

    But then again, if I listed them all, we’d be here forever…

  • EOS: A new hashtag

    EOS: A new hashtag

    I want to establish a new hashtag, a new way of marking my posts that means something that I’ve always tried to imply, but never said explicitly.

    Everyone knows the phrase “Full of Shit”, it’s usually accompanied by you are, or you’re, I am, we are, they are, or even it’s or that’s. We know what it means; you’re making thing up, you are exaggerating for effect or just outright lying. It’s not always to cause any harm, but it’s rarely a good thing.

    There is the whole Santa thing, of course. Parents are completely FoS when they tell their kids that some dude that has a 24-hour surveillance system that covers every person, in real time, on the planet (what is that now, 8 billion?) with a staff of elves, and a wife, of course. And this same fellow covers the entire globe in 24-hours. Not just one circuit, but every house, hut, and lean-to in every city, town or village in every country, territory and province in the world. All in just 23 hours, 59 minutes and 59 seconds. (Maybe a few extra billionths of a second, even) Plus, this same dude lives off cookies and milk as his source of sustenance during this trip (this does check out vis-a-vis his purported jolly gut, but verisimilitude does not equal truth) In addition, this same fellow, dressed in red and white, belted with a broad belt and gold buckle, can get into any house, castle or fort with the skill of a bad smell, all without creasing his outfit. And that he uses the greatest cat-burglar skill in history to not profit, but to give away presents! He’s not a creeper in the stranger-danger sense, despite have all the hallmarks of such, but he drops by to eat cookies and fill stockings.

    That is the greatest FoS story in history, and it’s never meant to hurt anyone, but invariably hurts every kid when they learn the truth. First, the loss of innocence in the myth, but just as significantly, they learn that their parents are Big Fat Liars. And that big loss of trust coming from a 7-year-old can be felt through generations. A grandmother that feels that sense of betrayal is hurt when their favorite grandkid won’t let her call them their little elves, hobgoblins or fairy princesses.

    But, this is not a screed on Christmas lies or that size never matters, it’s the opposite. I want to use EoS as a tag. So that when you see it, you’ll know I’m telling the truth, as I know it. That I’m being honest, sincere and straight with you. I might be wrong, that happens sometimes, but it’ll be an honest mistake, no attempt is made to trick you, in any way.

    So, look for the tag, and you’ll know what it means.