Looks like I lost a friend today. Not today, really. I imagine he decided he didn’t need me in his life some time ago, and I’m just noticing it now.
We’ve known each other for years, my entire adult life, really. Been through lots of ups and downs together, and had lots of ups and down separately. We were out of touch for long periods, as we only lived in the same vicinity for a couple years, early on. But those early years cemented a bond that I had thought, until now, unbreakable.
The last few years, we’ve been in pretty steady contact. I have been going through some pretty serious down times, and he’s been there to prop me up, in most ways except the actual physical act. He’s helped me maintain this website. Even though I’ve been more or less neglectful of it over the years. Calling me to remind me the fees are coming due, asking if I need any help with the hosting.
He made sure I had the basic reminders in place to get things working, and keep them working. I do have the propensity of withdrawing from life, so he’s been a steady hand in making sure I didn’t withdraw too far, or too permanently.
But a few months ago, we had a fight. It was a very passive-aggressive one, and mostly on my side. He was helping me make sure I renewed this domain before time ran out, and I was pricing options, to make sure I had the best deal for domain, hosting and all that. I had another domain I was also maintaining, just as a backup, and the prices had increased dramatically since the promotion period, so I held off on renewing that, while I explored options.
Turned out, the best option, price-wise, was to change hosting from the current provider, to the one my friend used. Of course, I didn’t have an account at the new hosting site, but my friend did, and he said I could use that to establish my own presence there.
Now, I was a bit stuck on my current provider, and I was emailing back-and-forth with them to reduce the price. I figured I could present the proposed new fee offer from the new host, and they might price-match, and I wouldn’t have to change. The deadline for the change was approaching, but I was waiting to the last minute to commit.
I thought my friend knew the deadline date, I had emailed him multiple times about the changes, and potential changes, dates included, and thought he knew. But, as it turns out, not so much.
The final day for the deal arrived, and my current host hadn’t blinked, so I had to change to the new one. I called my friend, and told him I needed to do the thing, and he wasn’t available. He did call me back some hours after my first attempted contact, and told me he was in Las Vegas for some function. He’d forgotten the deadline date, and at this point, wasn’t able to do his part. He even asked if I was sure I’d let him know the dates needed. I was.
Well, I was ticked off, frankly. He was a great friend, in all ways big and wonderful. Keeping my spirits up, my goals on track, all that. But he rarely remembered my birthday. Not that we exchanged gifts or celebrated together, but on his, I’d send an email, call, or text, anyway. He didn’t, and if reminded I had just had a birthday, he’d say “Oh, right. Cool.” If I had a big day coming up, an anniversary of something, new job interview, or proposal that he didn’t have anything to do with, he’d only acknowledge it if I brought it up.
Little things, he let go past. Big things, he was there for, if he knew he could help, he did, and I’ll never fault him for that. But the little things that make a friendship seem comfortable, really, so that you know you’re not being taken for granted, those he tended to ignore.
It was a bit frustrating, to feel more like a project than a buddy, and I just let it go, for the most part. I really care about this guy, and always wanted the best for him. I think of him daily, in fact, and have for ages. Even when we were both living our lives, far apart physically and temporally, I thought of him, and wondered what was going on in his life.
Oh, man, I missed stuff, to be sure. I took the glowing memory of him for granted for a long time. He went through some REALLY dark periods I knew nothing about. He’s a pretty light natured person, really, so he didn’t bring stuff up that he didn’t like thinking about, with me, often. And even after I learned of those things, I just assumed he’d gotten over them. And in some cases, I was wrong, and it was tough admitting I’d failed him as a friend over these times.
And these things were running in my head when he told me he’d forgotten, again. That’s how I thought of it, he’d forgotten something important to me, again. True, it doesn’t affect him, and he might even think it’s unnecessary that I do this thing, but that doesn’t mean he should exercise a “pocket veto” and use the excuse of forgetting.
I was pissed. I texted him that he’d disappointed me for the last time, and we were done. And I meant that, at the time. I was really, REALLY, pissed.
And a couple months passed. Christmas came up, and I sent him a Google+ thingy saying “it’s the time or forgiveness, right?” and said I was sorry. No response. Didn’t really expect any. He had his family, and Christmas is for them, for sure. He might even be out of the country, as he does that, often.
But I still hadn’t heard anything for a month or more, after. I didn’t really think anything of it, as we’d gone long months, even years without contact before. But a few weeks, ago, I thought to send a direct message to him via twitter, and I found I couldn’t. He didn’t follow me, any longer. It was some anniversary for us, and thought it’d be nice to say hi, again. But I couldn’t. I figured he’d cleared out his follower list of idle twitterers, as you do, and I fell into that category. I was not really active on twitter for some time.
But then I saw him posting a tweet about a current episode of his podcast, and I sent an @ reply asking “is this thing still on” not expecting anything immediately. I mean, that’s an auto-tweet from his blog, I didn’t expect him to be on twitter at that moment. He wasn’t an active tweeter, really. Just used twitter for marketing, and such.
Today, though, I noticed the number of people I follow had gone down one. Now, I had had an epic twitter argument the day before (see the post below) and found it likely that I’d been blocked by the participant in this argument, but that wasn’t the case. I didn’t go through my list of followers in detail, because I had an instinct, and decided to check that, first.
And instincts proved accurate, this time. I went to his twitter page, and was informed I couldn’t see his tweets because I’m blocked. Hmm. Well, seems like he did unfollow on purpose, and now, took it to the next level and completely blocked me.
I guess he’s pissed too, and too pissed to tell me why. I can imagine a whole lot of reasons, of course, but mind-reading is not really the best way to figure out the solution to fixing the issue. Truth is, there might be no solution. He might have simply given up on me, finally. I mean, I’d given up on myself ages ago, and he’s just finally climbing on board.
It must have been a bit tough for him to actively give up, though. Passively is easy, everyone does that at some point, often even. Just don’t email someone for a while, or call them, sent a carrier-pigeon, whatever. (Actually, that last would be tougher. I mean, you have a pigeon-friend relationship, and I guess you’d just keep the other person’s pigeons and if he comes by to pick them from their coop, you’d hide them. A whole lot of work.) But you just stop maintaining contact, and that’s it. Things fall away.
But this was active, to think, “Yep, I don’t want to hear from him, anymore. At all.” and block me on twitter. Next step would be to not answer the phone and let it go straight to voicemail (check), and after that?
Well, I had this book, “Making Out in Japanese” it was phrase book for uncommon dating phrases. One of my favorites, (that I never did use) was “I don’t love you any longer, so I’m changing my phone number.” My friend and I laughed at that one numerous times. But that’s the next step. (Although in modern times, he can just block my number, I suppose. Less romantic, but he can keep his phone number, then.)
Seems like I blew something else. Like I’ve blown a lot. I’m sorry I lost this one though. Lifelong friends like that are rare, and precious. Odds are way against finding another.
I suppose I should also remove him from my resume references. *sigh*